A History Of Anxiety

Anxious.
Its such a throw away word.
"I feel a bit anxious!" "I have anxiety about it." "I had a little panic attack."
Its a word we hear and use in casual conversation, to express our nerves or qualify our social awkwardness. Everybody feels anxious, you've just got to push through it and you'll be alright. Its such a shitty word, it lends itself to enable people  to talk about anxiety disorders as if they are not really illnesses. As if they are a self imposed state of mind for people who just need to relax a little.
I think I've lived with anxiety for the majority of my life. Its generally comes disguised as a very specific and tailored fear. Which then manifests itself deeper and further into my everyday life. Like when I was 8 years old and started refusing to go school, because I became terrified and transfixed on 'The Bad Book' being read out in school assembly. It is in truth quite a horrendous notion, that each Friday the list of 'Bad Children' was read out to the entire school and if your name was called, you had to stand up and be shamed. I hope nothing like that happens in Primary Schools these days. I spent my early twenties in a constant state of extreme anxiety. I don't mean that I was stressed or shy or a bit nervous. I mean that every day for five years, I had or fought off panic attacks. I mean that everything I did or didn't do was governed by the prison of my own mind. I built myself a tiny, little world with limits. I was quite safe there.

I Need To Talk To You About Lena Dunham

I need to talk to you about Lena Dunham.
I need to talk to you about how much I love Lena Dunham.
You will know her from the HBO series Girls, which she writes, directs and plays neurotic Hannah Horvath. But I know her from this article she wrote for the New Yorker last year : Growing Up in Therapy.
I don't know how I came across this piece (maybe I was googling 'why am I so weird?') but I am so glad I did. I've read it at least five times, I keep going back to it every now and then. I connect with it and have a 'oh thank god' moment everytime I read it. Its not glamourous, its not glossy if anything its hard to read because its very personal and very direct.
But it is very real.
Not everything she writes completely connects with me, I haven't had the same experiences as her exactly but the parts about death, health anxiety, worrying about the world and every little eventuality, resonate with me and how I felt as a teenager.
Its the rawness of it is thats important, the truth in it. Its the fact that thousands, millions of girls and women will read it, see it and hear a real message. If I was a young girl now having these issues, finding and reading this article would help me, it would make me realise that I'm not alone and that even 'celebrities', even people who are your idols or look like they've got it all, suffer from overwhelming thoughts and worries.

And so I loved Lena Dunham instantly, in the moment that I read that article because of the colossal balls she must have to write it.

World Mental Health Day 2015

Today is World Mental Health Day. Did you know...

 1 in 4 people are living with mental health illnesses

1 in 10 young people experience mental health issues

9 out of 10 people with mental health problems experience stigma and discrimination

To help raise awareness and get people talking about Mental Health issues, I ran a guest post series on my site this month, inviting writers to put pen to paper (or finger to screen) about their own experiences.

A number of talented and brave bloggers contacted me and I was honoured to share their personal stories and articles. Here are just a few snippets of the great writing that made this series so relevant and relatable:

How To Scare The Anxiety Monster by Learning To Be Mrs C

The final guest post in our World Mental Health Day series is written by Heather at Learning to be...Mrs C. Heather lives in Yorkshire with her two daughters and is newly married ! She posts a rather entertaining Moaning Mondays, which often makes me laugh on miserable Monday mornings.

I'm Mrs C and I struggle with anxiety.

Boom. Now there's a way to ease you into a nice grab-a-brew-and-put-your-feet-up easy read. I feel like I should be sitting in a circle and sharing. But still, grab a brew and put your feet up. And maybe a chocolate hob nob.
Those opening words might seem awkwardly blunt. But that's the reality. And for a long time we've tried to fluff up these kind of issues, avoiding harsh terminology and playing them down to make them more palatable. But what it does is make them unreal. This post is part of a collaborative series which is all about being real women, with real lives, sharing real struggles.
Dealing with something that you can't use a sticky plaster on doesn't make you any less you. It doesn't make me any less...me. I still whistle out of tune and I still laugh when the children at school pass wind and pretend it wasn't them. I still do a little dance when I'm about to eat yummy food and I still cry at X Factor. I just also happen to have regular tussles with the anxiety monster. He's an ass.

Anxiety and Depression: My Story by Mayflower Blogs

The third post in our World Mental Health Day series has been written by Jemma from Mayflower Blogs.  Jemma is Mummy to her son and little daughter, her blog is family orientated and she often talks openly about current issues.

• 1 IN 4 PEOPLE will experience some kind of mental health problem in the course of the year.
• WOMEN are more likely to have been treated for a mental health problem than men, and about 10% of children have a mental health problem at any one time.
• DEPRESSION affects 1 in 10 older people. 
• SUICIDE rates show that British men are three times as likely to die by suicide and self harm, than British women, statistics for the UK show one of the highest rates in Europe.*

Agoraphobia : An Open Letter To Everyone Who Knows Me by Admissions of a Working Mother

The first post in our Mental Health series is written by myself and is about my experience with agoraphobia. I've written it to re-visit how I felt at my lowest but I have been doing quite well over the last few years and a lot of my problems I have overcome. Its something that will always be there, it never truly goes away, its just part of who I am but now I don't really notice it on an everyday basis and it definitely doesn't control my life.

Dear Everyone Who Knows Me,
I'm sorry if we got off on the wrong foot at some stage, if I came across as rude or unsociable. I'm not actually like that, its just I often feel quite anxious and panicky in social situations out of my comfort zone.
When I feel like this, its quite overwhelming and I have to fight hard to stop it taking control of me.  Its not that I don't want to talk to you or I don't have anything interesting to say, its just that I'm putting all my energy into staying in the room and its the most I can really manage.
And you know, its not that I don't want to eat your food or have a cup of tea, I can see that you went to a lot of trouble and I appreciate it. Its just that I feel so sick, my heart is racing, my mouth is dry and the idea of eating is completely impossible for me.
I know you aren't aware of this, you haven't a clue about the internal battle going on inside my head. You just think I'm a bit weird and impolite, I can tell by your strained attempts to talk to me and how you raise your eyebrows. I  know what you think about me, because I think similar things as well.

"I've got 99 problems and 97 of them are completely made up scenarios in my head, that I'm stressing about for absolutely no logical reason."

I’m so tired.

I feel anxious and on edge. I feel harassed.

I feel like a watered down version of a few years ago when my anxiety was at its highest. I don’t want to go to bed, I feel a bit sick, I get the occasional heart thud for no apparent reason.

My temper is short, my concentration lacking and I can’t watch the news or talk about anything stressful.

I’ve got twitchy leg syndrome here and there. I’m sitting at my desk or on the sofa and I’ll realise that I’m constantly jogging a leg or furiously wiggling my toes.