You've bought shit loads of cotton wool, in like 5 different varieties - you are completely ridiculous. From Day Two you will be using baby wipes because cotton wool is a giant pain in the arse.
2. Don't Re-decorate Your House
You've got someone coming in to re-paint every wall during the first week of your maternity leave. What are you thinking? Its August, its 30 degrees, you live in a tiny little flat and you are the size of a house. Fool.
3. You Have No Fucking Clue How to Swaddle a Baby
If you can't do it now with an inanimate teddy bear, you wont be able to do it with a screaming, wriggling baby. Give it up.
4. Buy More Muslins
You have one pack of seven. That's not a weeks worth, that's a mornings worth. You're about to get an education in baby puke.
5. Buy Dummies
Yes I know, you would never give your child a dummy - it looks horrible, they don't need it bla bla bla. By Day Five you will be begging for dummies, you will be making deals with the Devil for fucking dummies but you won't have any at 3am and you'll be screwed.
6. You Do Not Need a Baby Bath
Newborn babys don't need major bathing and if they do a quick strip wash or a dip in the sink is perfectly adequate. Trying to hold the baby with one hand and wash it with the other is near on impossible.
7. Let Your Mum Do Your Washing
Yes I know, you're a strong, independent and capable woman who doesn't need her Mother doing her washing. You guys can do this all on your own, you don't need help. Trouble is you're about to have an emergency C-section and not sleep a wink for 6 solid nights. You can barely fart without pain, let alone do a wash, so prepare to swallow some pride and accept all the help you can get your hands on.
8. Baby's Don't Need Shoes
They can't walk, you do realise this? You own three fucking pairs of baby shoes, you will put one pair on him once - realise they look ridiculous and banish them to the back of the cupboard never to be seen again.
9. You Are Going to Co-Sleep with Your Baby
I know its hard to accept. You are sworn against such things. You're not some crazy hippy, bed sharing Mummy. But the minute you give into it and start the co-sleeping you'll all start to sleep a bit longer and a bit better.
10. Everything is Going to Be Ok
It is, actually. As it turns out you're not that bad at all this Mummy stuff. So just try to relax and enjoy the ride. Its going to be a long one and its going to be a good one.
Did I miss anything?
Post yours below!
Brilliant! Every one of these was me, although I did manage to avoid dummies!
ReplyDeleteThanks so much! Your will power must be immense ! x
DeleteHaha. Mine was 'You don't have to decorate his bedroom when you are 5 months pregnant. He wont be sleeping in there for another year.' :-)
ReplyDeleteLol brilliant! This is so true you can get totally ahead of yourself and get stressed for no reason x
Delete3 and 5 Nailed it for me, I remember googling at 3 am if it was OK to give a dummy to a screaming 3day old, the internet said yes and so I complied...!
ReplyDeleteThank god for the internet lol!
DeleteLoved this post, particularly that everything is going to be OK, I feel like I still need to remind myself of that one and yes to your mum doing washing, grab all the help you can get I say. Thanks for linking up to #brilliantblogposts x
ReplyDeleteEverything will be okay - so true. We didn't co-sleep, but the Tubblet's room was about 30 steps from ours so you could do it on autopilot when you had too! Lovely post #effitfridays
ReplyDeleteHaha, nodding along to a lot of these. Especially the cotton wool and the muslins.I kept one massive bag of cotton wool for about two years before realising I was NEVER going to use it... #tenthings
ReplyDeleteYes to all of these!I was lucky with the dummies though,all 3 of mine went off them really quickly.I remember the cotton wool thing with my 1st and babies 2 and 3 the midwife gave me "that look" for taking wipes in my hospital bag but who has time to pick bits of fluff of their darlings backside?!Certainly not me x #tenthings
ReplyDeleteHa ha ha I LOVE this post! Hilarious and so true, does anyone actually use cotton wool balls for washing after the first 2 days?! Dummies were my saviour and stopped the comfort feeding once I finally gave into it! ;) Thanks for linking up to #TenThings
ReplyDeleteStevie xx
Brilliant! Using cotton wool to try and clean a poo explosion is a pointless exercise! We were bought 100s of muslin squares and I was like what the hell are these then realised I needed 10 a day! Great post x
ReplyDelete